Cathy Condensed!

Body Art & Fan Adventures!

Hey again.  Before I start my usual rambling, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my previous blog post on here, on facebook, or in person, it's appreciated more than you know ;)So this time I'm gonna talk a bit about my penchant for tattoos and then give a little report about my LA trip (anyone who knows me has probably heard it 20 times over already!!), it's been an exhausting couple of weeks, but now I am back and ready for all the Christmas preparations (I'm hosting it this year so I need to you know....learn how to cook!!) and the lights and the trees and the general loveliness that is the festive period!!

So first body art.  As you will likely be aware I got another tattoo recently ;) and I just wanted to take an attempt at explaining what it is that makes me mark things permanently on my skin, rather than say...put up a picture of it on my wall!  Firstly I should say that I personalize everything!  As soon as I get a new mobile phone, an ipod, a laptop etc etc I have to personalize it!  I have to seek out a skin to turn it pink, or cover it in Dolly Parton's logo or plaster Mulder and Scully's face all over it!  That's just me, I don't want stuff to look like everyone else's, it's so boring, I want to look at the things I carry everywhere with me and smile and feel attached to them because they are unique (or less common at least!).  I think this may be part of the reason I love tattoo's, they are the ultimate form of personalisation!  You can get a beautiful design on your body which is only limited by the artists imagination and it is with you always and forever.

That is another thing that appeals to me about body art -it's permanence.  I realise that this is likely the very thing that turns most people off it, but I like that my tattoos are mine and that nobody can take them away from me, that me and my tattoos will be together until I no longer exist (in this form anyway) and I actually find that comforting.  So few things are permanent, I think it's understandable to want some things of beauty that are.  Of course, a lot of people don't find them beautiful at all, they find them ugly, tacky, or a sign of a lower class person! I think this idea is changing, I think it's tied to the attitudes of the past and not the actual reality of the situation.  That's not to say that there isn't part of that attitude that I like as well!  I guess I am fairly straight laced and it's quite funny that people tend to find the fact that I have tattoos surprising!  I like to surprise them, my tattoos sometimes transmit the message, 'perhaps there is more to this person than meets the eye' and I have no problem with that!  I am sure to other people they transmit the message 'common silly girl who is going to regret doing that in a few years'  but I got my first tattoo 11 years ago and I haven't regretted any yet, so I don't expect to start doing so any time soon.

I do think you have to have a certain attitude to get tattooed though, I would never try to encourage someone who was unsure, it isn't something to do if you are in any way unsure, and if you have ever said to yourself, what if I regret it?  Then don't do because you probably will!  You need to be able to accept changes to your body fairly easily and to accept your tattoo as a new and permanent part of your body as naturally as you would a scar or a (big!) freckle!

I'll admit to having a few unusual tattoos that people regularly think I will regret, usually their comments are along the lines of 'But what about when you're 80, will you still want it then and it will look all wrinkly?!' or 'What about when you get bored of that show/person and you still have the tattoo?'  Well I personally don't spend much time thinking about how I will feel when I am 80 but if I manage to get to that age it's likely my whole body will be wrinkly and I will have either found someone along the line who loves me wrinkles, tattoos and all, or accepted my single status and my imperfect body....I don't think I am going to spend too long worrying about a blurry black mark on my ankle, hopefully I'll look at it and remember the times I loved and lived and all the reasons I got it.  As for what if I stop loving 'The X-Files' or Buddhism or whatever it may be?  That's OK, I have the Superman symbol tattooed on my ankle and I am not obsessed with that character in the same way I once was, in fact I got the tattoo quite a while after my obsession died down, because my body didn't feel right without it.  I had intended to get a Superman tattoo on my 18th birthday but it all went a bit wrong and I ended up without one.....yet still 9 years later, I felt that I should have one, that that part of my life deserved recognition and so I got it and I love it for all the memories associated with my love of Supes, although I've moved on somewhat I feel that a tattoo says - this had meaning, this was important to me, this was significant in my life :) 

There is one other way that I use my tattoos - as help in times of challenge.  I have Sanskrit words on my foot and on my wrist to help remind me of what is important in my life.  In moments when things are tough, I look at my wrist and I take a deep breath and I find a bit more peace than I had before, I reconnect with what matters and with me and I can't explain how much that helps...just that it really, truthfully does.I don't think I am going to go on and on getting tattooed, I don't believe I'll have sleeves and hugely obvious tattoos, I think I am almost done.  I want Dolly's logo on my foot and then that's it, for now anyway, but I won't be getting that one anytime soon, I like to wait at least a year between tattoos (except when circumstances mean that isn't possible ;)), to get used to them, to appreciate them, to value each one for the memories, the pain, the period of my life and the joy they represent :)

 Talking of joy, as you probably know, I took a little trip to LA to spend time with friends and to attend 'Believe Again' an X-Files charity event.  I had an amazing time, meeting old friends and new ones, geeking out, worshiping (!) Gillian, sightseeing and having crazy fun! It was wonderful break....still I'm glad to be home now the winter nights are kicking in, there is peace to be found in the simple pleasures of a warm home on a cold evening, two cuddly cats and reading by candlelight...I realise I'm blessed to be able to experience the exciting and the relaxing, the extreme highs and the gentle contentment.  Bring on Christmas :)

My least favourite subject!

Hello world!  I'm typing this on my new netbook, which I'm loving, but as the keyboard is slightly smaller than a standard one, I keep hitting all the wrong keys! There are therefore likely to be even more misspelt words than usual in my post, you have been forewarned!

So what's been happening of any interest? Hmm, not huge amounts! I've seen some good plays ('Many Roads to Paradise') and I've seen some terrible ones ('Endgame' what was that about?!). I'm trying to be a bit more financially prudent with so many expensive outings coming up, which isn't proving easy, but I have realised how much I spend on everyday living - my eating out bills are like £200 a month...scary, but least they're are obvious places I can cut back!

I guess my food bills leads quite smoothly into what I wanted to ramble on about in my blog today - diet and weight!

So recently my best friend of 22 years has lost weight - lots and lots of weight, and I'm so proud of her and her commitment to it.  I, more than anyone else, know how incredibly tough that must have been for her and still is, I'm sure.  But this isn't really about that, she's my friend big or small, tall or short, whatever, in a way in it is unimportant to me as long as she is happy with where she is in her life.  I mention it as it has caused some people to imply that I should do the same thing!  If R can do, what don't/can't I etc and then the other day I heard my neighbor talking about me to a friend saying 'oh yes she's always been a big girl'!!  It made me think about other people's perceptions of me, of assumptions and misconceptions, so I thought i'd address my weight this once and be done with it!

So firstly, I know I am overweight and I know why - I eat too damn much!  I'm not big boned (well maybe I am, I've never been able to get past the flesh to feel the size of them!!), it's not hereditary, I don't have a slow metabolism or any other health issue that causes me to be big or eat too much.  I've discussed what I eat and why I eat my whole life with parents, with dietitians, with friends and with therapists .  I think the school first sent me to talk to the health visitor about what I ate when I was around 9, I went to weight watchers for the first time at a similar age.  There has never been a point in my life when everyone else has not been interested in everything I eat or when eating food could be a normal, guilt free thing.  One of the dietitians assigned to me by the school once told me to go away and come back when I wanted to lose weight, because I would never be able to do it for other people.  My eating disorder therapist, after 2 years of talking, finally said she thought I seemed happy and didn't have the motivation to lose weight (I do however credit her with turning me from someone who ate in a dangerous, uncontrolled way into someone who just eats unhealthily and though for many people that wouldn't seem like much of any achievement, believe me it is!  I sometimes think, I feel bad for eating a bar of chocolate where once I would have eaten 4, in a row, in a certain order, with crisps and sweets, several times a day). 

When I look back at it now, I realise that I, myself never really hated my weight, other people did, because they were kids and they teased anyone who was different or because they were adults and they didn't want a fat daughter who made them look bad or because they were genuinely concerned about my health.  The strange thing is it always surprises me when someone comments on my weight because I guess, to me, it's not the first thing I think of in relation to myself, because to me it's normal and I feel normal!  I have been blessed to have friends in my life who have never made me feel like my size had any significance and I certainly don't walk into a room thinking that all anyone will see is a fat girl!  I've been told i'll have difficulties getting a job because fat people are perceived as lazy, it's been implied I could get myself a bloke if I just lost some weight, because I'm really pretty underneath!!! 

Firstly I'm not lazy, I've worked since the age of 11, I get up every day at 6am and get home at 7pm, I don't drive so I walk everywhere.  I'll walk as far as you want me to if there's something I want to see at the end of the road, I just won't walk 5 miles on a treadmill going nowhere! I don't go to the gym, I find it monumentally boring and I've always had this notion that I don't want to spend my life doing things I don't enjoy, but I've climbed mountains in Canada, I've done day long hikes in China, I'm not a lazy person.  And oh God, the lose weight, get a bloke thing, that's such rubbish!  I honestly don't see the difficulty in getting a partner, I've met loads of men who like plus sized women and I've never lacked men showing an interest in me....normally it's too much of an interest!  I don't have a partner because at this point in my life, I can't make the compromises you have to make to keep a relationship going.  Maybe that will change, maybe it won't, but that's up to me and it has nothing to do with my dress size!!

I guess the message/conclusion of this diatribe is really that, look I'm OK, I'm happy with me, it's my choice and my decision.  I like me, I have less body image issues than most of my thin friends, I think I look nice sometimes and rough at others, like every other woman on earth!  I acknowledge here and now that my family and friends have legitimate concerns about my health, but it's also true that I don't drink or smoke, something which most people I know do one or the other of, often to excess and who really knows how life will turn out?  I got hit by a car when I was 16 and the doctor said my weight may have saved my life because of the barrier it created between my organs and the car (unfortunately my head wasn't fat so that went straight through the windscreen!!).  My weight should mean I'm unhealthy but I haven't had a day off work sick in 8 years.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, life is a funny, funny thing, full of unexpected twists and turns.

I've been this weight/size for over 6 years now, I've plateaued!  If I were getting bigger and bigger I might be more concerned, it's not my desire to end up on the Jerry Springer Show getting hoisted from my bed by a crane  - there are limits - and I know that as I get older it's something I need to pay more attention to, the human body only puts up with so much abuse!  Who knows, maybe one day I will lose it all, maybe it'l be when I'm 60 and I'll start wearing utterly inappropriate clothes just because I never had the opportunity in my youth!! Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I do know that I can't, that I won't, live my life to someone else's schedule, or to fit in with someone else's perception of who I should be, or to make someone else more comfortable, or to make me supposedly more lovable.  I'll make my decisions about my body and I choose to love it, because it carrys me everywhere I want to go and it helps me comfort people, and love people...it's a magnificent thing....it's not perfect, but who of us is?  It's a work in progress, I'm a work in progress, but I'll decide the pace and I'll decide the path and I'll haul my fat butt along it ;)

'It's okay to be fat.  So you're fat.  Just be fat and shut up about it.  - Roseanne

Gratitude.........

Oh goodness, as usual it's been a while!  I kinda cheated last time with all the photos, but I'll ramble a bit more this time to make up for it!!! hehe

Well what's been happening?  Work is chugging along, I've joined a few online theatre websites that get you free theatre tickets so I've been seeing a lot of random plays and catching some obscure films and generally just enjoying the benefits of living in/near London. The summer seems to have disappeared in a flash somewhere between theatre trips, plane journeys and visits to Cornwall.

One new thing I can report is that I added a tattoo to my collection.  It's only teeny tiny, so much so that neither of my parents noticed it after spending a week together, but I love it.  The Sanskrit text says 'Gratitude' and comes from from a passage in 'Happier than God' (one of the 'Conversations with God' books that I attended a retreat based upon a couple of years ago).

'Staying positive when surrounded by--even when submerged in--what others might call "negativity" is easier than you think. The trick is to bring an end to judgment, to "judge not by appearances."When you bring an end to judgment, you bring an end to an entire way of living. This is no small thing. This is a life changing shift in attitude and behavior. This is a miracle.But how does one perform this miracle? That is the question to which everyone wants an answer. ... The way out of judgment is to move into gratitude.That is such an important corollary that it should be plastered all over your house and everywhere in your world...Gratitude is the miracle cure for every moment of dis-ease. It is the fastest way to dissolve anxiety, to heal disappointment, to replace negativity with positivity. It is the shortest route from a dead-end back to The Path. It is the connecting energy to God.'

The idea is that if you can be grateful for every part of life, if you can take a moment, even during the times of your greatest pain and hardship, to thank God, the Universe, Life, for what you are experiencing, knowing that every moment holds within it a treasure, that it is perfect in it's own way, then you can always experience happiness.  It all sounds very lovely and idealistic and I am not claiming for one minute that it is something I am capable of doing, but my tattoo reminds me of the idea and of my intent to try and live that way. 

The placement of the tattoo will be familiar to many Gillian fans, so yes I took inspiration about that part from her.

I've also now become part of an elite (!) group of fans with Sanskrit tattoos.  This is a pic we took on the last night of Gillian's play.

There was a time when I wouldn't have written this last part, I wouldn't have admitted that I got a tattoo like Gillian's or partly inspired by Gillian, or whatever, because I know some/a lot of people would think it silly or odd or judge me in some way and it's strange because I can really see how I am changing as I get older into someone who isn't prepared to be ashamed of who I am or what I do.  It's my life, and parts of it are crazy and parts of me are crazy! I don't do everything people think I should, I certainly don't eat the way people think I should or look the way certain people in my life would like and I know there are things that I could do better, but I can honestly say that I try my best to be a good person, to live my life in a way that has meaning and I think I want to choose now to celebrate that.  So yeah I did it, it makes me happy, it harms no one and every time I look at it I smile...and that's what I wanted from it :)

Anyway enough of me on my soapbox, I just got back from New York this week.  I went for a quick trip to see the final performance of '9 to 5' on Broadway and it was brilliant!  I stayed in this wonderful little hotel, 'The Pod Hotel' and I really enjoyed just walking around the city, taking it all in without any set agenda.  As I have been to NY a few times now  I don't feel like I have to fit in seeing all the tourist attractions or tick off a list of interesting places to visit, so I can just walk and watch the city go about it's business and feel the life of it around me.

'9 to 5' itself was great.  I was sad I only got to see it twice (once back in April and once now), but the audience on the final night were so enthusiastic, it was a wonderful way to see it. 

While I was in NY, I also went to see 'For the Love of Dolly', a documentary about obsessive Dolly fans.  It was good fun to watch and I think it made me realise that my level of fandom is fairly restrained compared with some people out there.  Take a look at the trailer below!

It was also lovely to meet up with my friend Rebecca while I was out there.  We initially met through our mutual X-Files appreciation, but Rebecca is also a big '9 to 5' fan so it was great to share it with someone!  On my final day I traveled out of Manhattan to spend the day at the beach with Rebecca and her flatmate.  It was a bit windy and not your ideal beach weather, but we had a great time geeking out together.

So that's it for now really.  Oh I booked this trip for next year, which I am really looking forward too and I have a few travel plans drifting around my head for the rest of the year, but more news on that once I've made a decision.  I hope everyone is well and happy, xx

'A Doll's House': A Photographic Retrospective (!!!!)

Well it finally came to end, just over 2 months of fan meet-ups, play analysis, Gillian sightings and general all round fun.  There's too much to write about, so I give you instead, a photographic record!!

The usual gang on opening night.  I was so nervous for Gillian because I knew she gets nervous, that I just wanted it to be over!!

Ros, Rachel (both from Australia!) and I take our picture with Gillian....sort of!!!

Victoria and I show the Australians London town!!

Olga (from Greece!) and I, waiting in line about 2 minutes before Olga got to meet Gillian for the first time!  I had to physically help her out of the theatre afterwards she was so overwhelmed!!

Lunch with Havenites (an X-Files forum I belong to!) post matinée.  Fans from Greece, Germany, the Netherlands and France!

Mum and I in the theatre.  She's seen all of Gillian's plays with me - Best. Mum. Ever!! x

Awww Kelly & I with our matching X-Files Blackberries!!  Kelly flew over from Canada for the play and stayed with me for the week, we've known each other 11 years....fandom forges some great friendships :)
  Rudimentary bracelet made from one of the beads that fell off Gillian's costume which Kelly and I  then 'rescued'!!!

Rose and I waiting to go into the theatre.  Through a chance twitter post we discovered we live 4 roads apart!!  Yay for my first fellow Gillingham fan!!

Jasna (from Croatia) and I after the play - high on Gillian love!

Blurry, but cute picture of Gillian and I.  The girl who took it told me it was blurry because she was shaking so much from being near Gilly!! :)

Gillian in June carrying the bag I gave her as a gift in May (opening night) :D

Everyone together at last  - lunch on the final day, post matinee, pre evening performance!

Outside the theatre on the penultimate day...clearly something was funny!! (NB. Note Tony, the token man!!)

And so it ends..after the final performance, just before parting ways, we take a pic :)

17 evenings and 2 afternoons of amazing theatre, fandom, fun and friends.....

My facebook status July 18th 2009:

'Aww here endeth 2 months of fun and delight! love and thanks to everyone who was part of it and also to all my non fan friends who've put up with me through it :D xx'

Note: these are not all my pictures, if you want your photo taken down for any reason, please just contact me :)

Boogie Woogie Film Review

I attended the world premiere of the film 'Boogie Woogie' last night at the Edinburgh Film Festival.  It sounds a lot more glamorous than it was, there was no red carpet, press or free popcorn, but some of the cast and crew attended.

The movie was nothing like I expected, it was  really enjoyable and entertaining! I went with 2 other Gillian Anderson fans and we were all expecting a really arty, obscure, sex filled, bizarre film, but it was nothing like that! It was very funny and clever and although there is some nudity (none of it Gillian's!) it didn't feel exploitative.

Gillian has loads of screen time, she is a major character. She has a cute English accent and the character she plays is really different to what I expected. Although she is a snob in the art world, she actually plays a really naive, confused woman! It is all played for laughs, you don't have that much sympathy for the character (although I had some), but it is a really different character from those she has played in the past.

Although I obviously focused primarily on Gillian's performance, kudos must go to Alan Cumming who I thought was really wonderful in the movie.  His performance really gave the film an emotional heart.  

I have no idea why it has taken so long to get this film distributed, it is highly enjoyable and much better than lots of the junk at the cinema.  If you are a Gillian fan, she has some priceless scenes to look forward to.

There was a Q&A after the film with the director and some of the cast. The director didn't answer any of the questions seriously though so it was difficult to follow!

We sat directly in front of Alan Cumming, we think he must have heard us squeee every time G came on screen, but we agreed that it was a good thing that he sat behind us because we were enthusiastic and talking about how much we liked it afterwards! (Random comment: he was wearing a v cute silver kilt!!)

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As a side note, I'll blog about my trip to the USA soon, but meanwhile here are the pics from Nashville and Dollywood :)

An attempt at explaining......

So I thought I should post, it’s been a while…..a long while!  I know I promised stories of Washington and New York (both of which were awesome – which is my new word by the way!), but I don’t really have the inclination to go back and post about the past at the moment, it seems a bit pointless and anyone that knows me has heard all about it anyway!

Anyone who knows me will also be aware that I am currently in extreme fandom mode!  Gillian Anderson is doing a play in London at the moment and so I going to that a lot, meeting fellow fans and enjoying all the usual nuttiness.  I don’t think I have ever really blogged about why I’m a fan, I think it is just a given if you know me, but I am going to make an attempt to explain it here. now, with the expectation that I will probably fail.

I think firstly, basically, I just am an obsessive person!  I am easily addicted to things – food being the most obvious example (and hence why I don’t drink much and drugs scare the hell out of me!).  If I like something, I embrace it full on!  My ex-therapist (that sounds so American!) actually said that she thought my X-Files obsession was a good thing, it meant I was directing my obsessive tendencies towards something that wasn’t damaging!  Being obsessive can be seen as a negative thing and I don’t think that is necessarily true.  Most leaps in science, in technology and in our understanding of the universe have come about through obsessive minds.  Now I’m not claiming my obsessions are going to produce any positive changes in the world, but I do think that obsession can have positive elements to it and that, as long as you can see that ultimately what you obsess about is not what your life is truly about, it can be harmless, life enhancing and well….fun!

 Admiring Gillian Anderson and TXF has brought so many things into my life.  Because of Gillian I traveled to Edinburgh for a film screening and ended up falling in love with the city and it’s art festival.  Because of TXF I met Kelly and ended up traveling to Canada, which may be the most beautiful country I have visited.  I have friends all over the world, who offer to show me round their hometowns!  There is a connection between fans, even those that have never met.  A fellow fan who’s name I still don’t know recently took a picture of me with Gillian at the stage door and e-mailed it to me.  When I posted it to facebook another fan took the time to try and de-blur it for me and sent me a new improved version ;)  The TXF/Gillian fan community is full of great, intelligent, kind, respectful women who share a passion and a sense of fun.  We freak out together, campaign together, raise money for charity together, help one another and encourage one another to believe in dreams.

But still, why go to a play so many times?  Aren’t I bored?  What do I get out of it?!  I’ve been asked all these things.  Firstly, I am not going that much!  I have tickets to go approximately once a week for the run of the play and I am actually out of the country for 2 weeks in the middle of it! Do I get bored of it?  No, surprisingly I don’t, but not because I am just gazing at Gillian the whole time, but because theatre is continually changing.  You can watch a film a dozen times and it never changes, but theatre does.  I love the tiny changes, the experimentation, the different meanings that you can portray through different tones of voice, posture and body language.  I love how nothing is certain, lines are missed, props fail, beads fall off dresses all over the stage ;), you can never relax in theatre and you can never be sure what’s coming next and when you know a play inside out, you can see all those tiny things, you can catch the changes and I love that! And what do I get out of it?  It’s difficult, years ago it used to be about being in a room with Gillian Anderson, Scully from TXF, and how maybe she might catch my eye, or maybe she might smile in my direction, it’s not about that anymore really.  I’ve met her many times, I’ve had actual conversations and photographs with her, in that respect I’ve achieved what I dreamed of!  I don’t go to the stagedoor every time now, she has signed most things I own by now and there are so many fans who have never seen her before that deserve that experience.  So why go? 

I have recordings of Obama’s speeches on my ipod that I have listened to hundreds of times, I have poems that I have read and re-read until I know every line by heart, until they are part of my heart, I have audio books that I can speak a long with and paintings I could stand in front of forever.  Some things inspire me, speak to me, make me believe in the wonder and beauty and connectedness of all life.  Sitting in a theatre watching Gillian perform, is like reading that poem that always makes me feel better, that make’s me feel things are possible.  There are a million people out there like her, who can do what she does and be the sort of person she is, I don’t think she is perfect or untouchable, she is just, to me, an inspiration and an example of dreams lived.  For so long I wanted to see her in real life and I did, for so long after that I wanted to share a moment with her and I got the chance to, I prayed to have a photograph with her and that happened, I wanted to have a conversation with her and then one day I did.  Impossible dreams are possible, she reminds me of that truth and when I get together with all the other people I know who feel the same way, I feel joy and gratitude for all that I have and love and am.

That’s the only way I can explain it really, I know it might not be considered normal, but I think here I should turn to Gillian:

‘When I think of normal, I think of mediocrity… and mediocrity scares the fuck out of me’  - Gillian Anderson!

I don't strive for normality, I strive for happiness, and for the most part I've found it...some of it in unexpected places, but that's life, lets all just live it and find joy in it wherever possible :)

Me!

Sorry this isn't an actual update, I'll do one of those soon.  I have many Washington and New York stories to bore you with!  I did however want to share this video....because it's about the beauty of being a fan.....

Lost amidst the ruins.....

Oh my goodness gracious, it has been a loooong time since I last blogged!  Real life and it's boring practicalities have taken over for a while and I've been a busy little bee during these bleak winter months (it's still winter right?!).

So January and February are always depressing, Christmas is over, New Year passed and all that stretches out ahead are cold months with no money through Xmas overspending and no bank holidays until Easter.  I broke the monotony by attending the Bath Literature Festivalwith Rach which was good fun.  We went to some good talks, had a cute young guy read us his poetry in a taxi, visited the gorgeous spa and stayed in a lovely hotel.  We're planning to go back to Bath sometime soon to complete a course in cupcake decoration!  At the festival I saw a talk by Susie Boyt, who was promoting her book 'My Judy Garland Life' which I just adore.  It is all about how the author's life was impacted by her obsession with Judy Garland and it is full of wonderful passages:

''I have been half or more in love with Judy Garland all my life....and although she died five months after I was born, this has always seemed to me a two-sided affair that has suited us both. I've felt Judy Garland's acute need of me and this prolonged fantasy - you might call it - of intimacy has been both sustaining and exhilarating. It has been a central part of my development as a person. I know for certain that something in the heart of Judy Garland connects directly to something at the heart of me. I feel implicated in her myriad struggles and triumphant in the face of her success....What does it say about this extraordinary performer that I've felt linked to her so powerfully all my life? What does it say about me? Whatever strange alchemy has been at work between us, the facts are these: I wasn't there at the moments of her greatest triumphs and cruellest despair. But she has been at mine.'

I have to say the author herself was not hugely impressive, she was very introverted and solemn.  Rach expected her to be that way because of her book, but I hoped she might disprove the theory that people who fan-worship are quiet, socially inept people!  Guess not!  Maybe I'll have to make it my mission to personally disprove that....though I think I need to change a few character traits first!

Anyway March arrived and with it my birthday.  A group of us went to lunch in London and then to see Sadie Frost's one woman play 'Touched for the Very First Time'...again this was about a woman being obsessed with a celebrity - Madonna this time (are you sensing a theme here?!).  It was really enjoyable, but the theatre was so tiny oftentimes it felt like Sadie was staring right at me! 

With March came the installation date for our new kitchen.  This has been long approaching and postponed for ages, but finally we could hold off the chaos no longer and the kitchen man arrived.  I ran off the first night to see Sugarland (awesome live btw) and stayed at Pete & Emma's place so by the time I got home on the second day the full nightmare was in swing!   The kitchen looked like a bomb site, the living room was piled high with kitchen stuff and obviously there was no cooker!  It was only for a few days and I love the new kitchen (though it still needs to be painted and the floor re-tiled), but I'm glad the installation process is over.  The week after we got double glazing fitted as well, which I'm really glad of for security reasons.  It's quite strange though, the house and my room are eerily silent, like I live in a bubble protected from the elements outside!

Apart from all the home improvements I''ve been to see a few things.  My friend Victoria (a fellow Gillian fan) and I went to see a bizarro version of  'What the Night is For' (a play Gillian was previously in).  It was in a room over a pub, there were about 10 people in the audience and the budget appeared to be little more than the cost of a pint!  It was extremely strange to see a play I knew so well acted  by other people.  The strangest thing of all was that the woman in it made all the same gestures and movements as Gillian did in the original.  There were several moments when Victoria and I just looked at each other like 'WTF?!  She is directly copying Gillian's performance'!!  Stranger than that was when we grabbed the director afterwards and he claimed never to have seen the original!  I won't go into his interpretation of the  play, but believe me when I say it was outlandish, chauvinistic and just plain odd!  It was an interesting evening, enough said!!

I've also been to see a couple of films at the Human Rights film festival, which I highly recommend: 'Pray the Devil Back to Hell' which was about how the women of Liberia forced the men to make peace after years of war and 'My Neighbour, My Killer' a documentary about Rwanda and how people are coping with sharing their communities with the people who committed genocide against them.  Both were very moving and important films.

I'm not quite sure how I have manged to get to this point in my blog without mentioning it, I think I was just saving the best til last, but on Mother's Day, in H Samuel I got to meet Jane Seymour!  Yes, my beloved Dr Quinn was in town!! 

She was very late arriving, but when she did the staff introduced me to her because I'd been waiting so long and she was dead sweet and tiny, so so tiny and fragile looking!  There wasn't anyone else waiting (they had done zero advertising, I only knew myself because a friend who works for H Samuel's head office told me she was going to be there) so the shop assistants pulled out a chair and told me to sit and talk with Jane!!  OMG that freaked me out, what do you say other than 'oh my god, I love you, you're amazing, Dr Quinn is wonderful, do you want to be my best friend forever?'!!! LOL!  As it happens I didn't have to say much because Jane started talking to me about her book (she was supposed to be there signing free copies of her new book for those that bought a piece of her jewelery) and showing me her favorite quotes.  I think something went a bit wrong because the shop assistants start giving away her book to everyone that came in the store (which she didn't seem overly happy about!), but she said I should get a free one because I already had her necklace! hehe! 

So that's it really, I have pictures with Gillian and Jane now, only Dolly to go....now that will be a challenge!  I hope everyone is well and that life is being good to you....bring on the good weather, I've seen a new pair of Birkenstocks I *must* have!!

xxx

Looking Back....

Hi guys, Happy 2009!

Wow, it's been a while! I have been meaning to update for ages but so much was going on that the prospect of blogging about it all seemed to get more and more overwhelming!

Since I last wrote I've been to Los Angeles for an X-Files Charity Screening, to Las Vegas for the National Finals of the Rodeo, to Area 51 chasing Aliens and to Edinburgh for Hogmanay.  In between there was Christmas and all that that entails. In view of this I am not going to go into detail about it all, I'll just focus on the highlights!

LA First!  I'd had the trip to Vegas booked for a while and then about a month before I was due to leave there was an announcement that there was going to be an XF Charity screening in LA on the first day of my trip.  Las Vegas isn't that far (about 4 hours drive!) from LA, so the wheels in my head started turning away!  After wearing my brain out with possible driving/flying/train scenarios, I decided to just extend my holiday and fly into LA and then on to Vegas a day later.  I've been to LA 3 times before and although it's not a place I have any particular fondness for I seem to continually end up there!    I stayed in a really cute little hostel off Hollywood Blvd and finally managed to go on a tour of the Kodak Theatre which I have always missed out on before.  The charity screening was really great fun.  I met another girl from Britain (Irene) and as we'd come so far we got to have a private meeting with Frank Spotnitz (writer, producer and director of the XF).  He is such a lovely, cute little guy. He is sooo tiny though, when he hugged me I thought I was gonna break him in two!

Anyways after our meeting, we all went into the cinema and listened to a presentation by the Neurofibromatosis Foundation (the charity the screening was held for) and watched the XFN tribute to XF fans around the world.  After that came 'Fight the Future', which I hadn't seen in a long time.  It was really great fun to watch it with a cinema full of fans.....with everyone speaking along with a particular hallway scene!  Irene was really impressive though, she knew almost every line of the movie! 

I had to rush off before they showed the latest XF movie cause I had a plane to catch, but it was a great experience and I made some sweet new friends :)

After that was Las Vegas, which was fun as ever.  I took a trip out to Area 51 which was brilliant!  Area 51 is the secret military base where the ships/aliens were supposedly taken after the Roswell crash!  It was all fun and games until we got on the road to the base and a black jeep started following us!  It sat and watched us the whole time we were at the border to the base and you could see surveillance cameras all over the surrounding hills!  I blatantly disregarded their rules on photography so there is probably a file on me somewhere now!! 



Shortly after Vegas, Christmas rolled around and then New Year.  Christmas was lovely and relaxing and I got so many great gifts.  I spent New Year in Edinburgh at their street party and despite the sub zero temperatures (I didn't really get a chance to wear any of those glitzy tops I took with me...they don't really work with long thermal underwear!) it was great fun!  I love Edinburgh at any time of the year but at New Year it was all lit up and full of energy and life!  I also got to meet up with Claire, who I met traveling in Canada earlier in the year and it was great to catch up.

So I guess that's it really, a condensed report on the last couple of the months.  Somehow it doesn't seem significant enough of a post though to mark the end of one year and the beginning of the next.

Shortly before Christmas I went down to see the Tree in Trafalgar Square and I remembered doing the exact same thing last year and I guess superficially not much has changed during that period, but last year I remember looking at that tree feeling lost.  I had recently started a new job which I wasn't really enjoying and the daily commute left me feeling tired and drained.  I had no clue what the year held and all I could be was hopeful.  This year I met my parents at the square and while I was taking pictures I flashed back to last year and realised how grateful I should be for just this easy contentment, for the fact that not much had changed, but I had.  I like my job now, I am used to the commute and although I would like longer evenings I enjoy the time to myself, it is almost an enforced period of relaxation - reading a book, listening to music as the train rocks along.  Last year I had no clue what 2008 would bring.  I had no clue I would travel to San Franciso two months later, that I would climb mountains in Canada, attend a movie premiere, have a conversation with Gillian Anderson, see Dolly live 3 times and cry through 'Coat of Many Colours' 3 times! That I would visit Vancouver and cross the highest suspension bridge in the world.  That I would have a conversation with a friend at 1am by Niagra Falls lit in the moonlight, that I would attend a 3 day Country Music Festival, sing Auld Lang Syne with friends in Edinburgh as the most amazing fireworks I have ever seen blasted overhead.  That I would lose my Grandfather, that I would resign from my job, only to return and appreciate it on a level I never had before.  That I would make good friends at work, that I would relabel the whole stationary cupboard in pink and nobody would mind, that I would sit round a campfire late at night in the mountains on edge for fear of bears, that I would like a boy and a different boy would like me...that I would get a new tattoo to mark one of the best times of my life....that I would at many many times feel simply happy, what more can you ask of a year? Here's to 2009 and all that lies ahead....

xx

Art & Religion....

Hey y'all!

It's been a while and I've been pottering about, watching summer turn into winter, swapping my birkenstocks for winter boots and appreciating London in all it's dark beauty.  Talking about that, I have purchased my first bit of serious art and it just happens to be a painting of London!  I have loved Neil Dawson's work for a few years now, but his pieces are so hard to come by and not cheap!  I was prepared this time though, I signed up for a first look at his work before his latest collection was released and I checked into installment plans!  So here it is 'Late Night London' by Neil Dawson

Here are some unpacking pictures, I never saw so much polystirene! 

I love it, it's gorgeous! I have to say the woman serving me in the gallery though was the most insincerely nice person you ever met!  When I had decided which picture I wanted, she left me in a room with my picture to 'just sit with' it!  Um hello - it's gonna be in my living room for many years, I don't really need to sit here with it for half an hour while you force me to drink champagne and make odd comments like 'I think it's such an unobtrusive piece' and 'the picture will find it's own place in your home, don't force the relationship'! WTF?!!  The funniest thing was when I was looking at the different pieces and deciding which one to get.  She hung up a long, thin painting on the wall.  'No, not this one'  I said 'Oh really?' says gallery woman 'help me understand, lets talk through what doesn't connect with you in this piece, then I can begin to understand the type of art that touches you' ...'Um...it's too long to fit on my wall' says I!!! 'Oh OK, I can see that is a consideration' she says - I don't think I was her usual buyer!!

I also went on a little trip to Rome and Assisi this month.  I have been to Rome before, it is a beautiful city and I wanted to show it to my mum.  We went to the usual tourist places...and some not so usual ones, including a church where all the decorations were made out of human bones!  We also made a trip out to Assisi, which is a place I have wanted to visit for a while now.  It is the home town of Saint Francis of Assisi and it where his Basicilca is and his tomb.  St Francis was a saint I admire.  At a time of conflict and fear he preached only love, compassion and non judgement.  While other preachers tried to keep the masses in line through tales of hellfire and damnation, Francis refused to damn anyone and spoke only of God's love and unending forgiveness.  He was the first Catholic 'official' to open a dialogue with Muslims and to encourage tolerence of other beliefs.  His message was that love of another was love of God and  that what one does to another human being one also does to God, so kindness should be practiced in all circumstances.

Assisi is also the place where St Claire set up her first convent for the Poor Claire Nuns.  For reasons unknown I have had a fascination with nuns since I was a child.  Recently I discovered online that lots of other people love nuns as well....but not in the same way as me!! Lets not go there!!

I guess looking at my photographs from the trip, it looks like a very religious holiday, which is strange when I don't consider myself a religious person.  I have a deep interest in religion, in spirituality, in different paths to happiness and I think perhaps just because I have grown up in a Christian society I find a light and a peace in traditional Christian imagery and churches. I tend to reject any faith or set of beliefs that come from a place of fear.  I don't understand how the Catholic church (and many other faiths) can teach that God is love and also teach that he is vengeful, that he is jealous and that he will inflict pain on people who do not make the 'right' choices.  If God is love, then surely God is forgiving, compassionate, tender and undemanding? For ideally, shouldn't love be all these things? So always, when I admire religious art and places of religious significance,  I am torn between being attracted to their majesty and beauty and disagreeing fundamentally with the faith they represent.  St Francis wanted to be buried in barren land as a sign that he needed nothing of material value to be connected with God...so they built a huge Basilica in his name and placed his body in a giant tomb surrounded by art and wealth.  In religion all that surrounds me are contradictions..........

Prayer of St Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.